“I wasn’t learning anything and could paint on my own at home.” - David Lynch, on why he quit the Philadelphia Academy of Fine Arts.
“I’m like, basing this semester’s work on lyrics that really have deep significance to my life right now. At the moment I’m like totally obsessed with Peter Murphy. He’s so beautiful and dark, and I am like in love with him so much I want to immortalize his genius on canvas in beautiful calligraphy. It’s like he’s my muse or something.”
"In Hedonism's shaft like look
He wears the id the painter mistook
And with her flame he'll burn its flesh
Burn the freeze transcend the mesh"
A FIELD GUIDE TO ART STUDENTS: THE CRITIC.
The Critic tears apart everyone’s works in a low mumble, or, if they’re especially bold – during Critique. They’re never satisfied with their own work, and merciless when other people’s work is deemed substandard. Most Critics are found in Painting/Drawing, Photography, and Graphic Design disciplines.
To The Critic’s discerning eye, the worst offenses another artist can commit will generally stick to the following:
- lack of concept
- lack of technical skill
- unoriginality
- obtuse subject matter
- frivolity
Critics possess a dogged work ethic and rabid ambition, and have no desire to make friends in low places. They only latch on to people whom they deem as allies, and/or people who can “get them somewhere.”
Male Critics are often put on a pedestal by adoring fangirls (both fellow students and female professors) for the following reasons:
- declarative sentences
- talent and drive
- Bad Boy sensibility + Nice Boy fashion sense
The Critic is usually an amazing artist, immune to counteraction - do not confuse them with The Chronic Bitcher (often their less-astute friend).
Being The Critic’s friend is a mixed bag: if they’re mumbling their secret criticisms to you and snickering, then you likely won’t fall public victim to their malice on Critique Day…but don’t be surprised if they attack you too, because they don’t care. All that matters to them is good art done correctly, and they’ll never forgive you for not living up to their impossible standards.
For those reasons, the Critic is the most likely out of all your classmates to go on to graduate school to teach in higher education - mostly to continue the pleasure of executing others.
Identifying line: “That looks exactly like they pulled that out of their ass and wiped it on canvas.”
WHICH ONE EARNED THE BETTER GRADE IN CLASS:
The well-rendered pen and ink portrait?
or…
The one with a bunch of words written on it because the artist couldn’t be fucking bothered to paint an actual face?
ANSWER: Both of these earned a C because the professor said she was only accepting work done in charcoal that day. Both were ridiculed in Critique.
Typical Passive-Aggressive note found in art school.
FIELD GUIDE TO ART STUDENTS: THE DARK ANGEL.
The Dark Angel is a devoted fan of Tim Burton and Edward Gorey. She is well-read, cultured, and extremely intelligent. She has talent in illustration, design, writing, painting and photography. She is usually either miserable in Painting, or miserable in Graphic Design, or miserable in Drawing. Some professors don’t appreciate her, but others wish more students were like her.
The Dark Angel can be identified by the following:
- neo-Victorian mourning attire
- handmade arm warmers
- frills
- gigantic cameos
- long Dr. Marten boots with torn fishnets
- skull barrettes
- Joy Division and Bauhaus posters in studio
- obsession with 19th century postmortem photography
- utilizing blood in her paintings (usually her own, sometimes an animal’s)
- Identifies as INFP on her Myers-Briggs chart
- pieces often include doll heads, knife slices, skeletons, adorable monsters
- writes sexy True Blood fanfic to relax
- morose yet dogged work ethic
- 4.0 GPA
Identifying line: “I HAVE to get out of this program!”
Quotes From Actual Art Students.
“I don’t think that art can be taught. You can tell the difference between someone with the creativity that can adapt their medium to their vision and those who regardless of medium have no vision to apply it to.” - Anonymous
“I actually go to an Arts Academy. And there are about 50 students. AND SO MUCH DRAMA. I want to vom all over the place. Don’t get me started on the details.” - wycomper
“I go to a very reputable art school in Chicago—and thats just the problem. everyone’s so conceptual they cant get out of their way enough to realize that they’re all being completely stupid. i have never seen a more stuck up bunch of hipsters in my life. I have literally sat through more than one class lecture on “Hipster Culture”. I am being serious. Personally I am more interested in mainstream culture and wanted to study sound design here and someday have a career in the music industry, but somehow “commercial” is a dirty word here, and people can not stop criticizing me for being, well, normal. i hate art school.” - sarahmarra
“I’m involved in the arts, but I’m totally dead against art school unless you’re learning a trade along the way. As for you being ridiculed for being too commercial, I’d say that was a good sign, because someday, you are going to have the last laugh.” - lightpainter
“Studying art in college actually made me want to stop making art at all. Just the nature of the classes and the teachers and students , I just realized that i didn’t want to be associated with that world. That was 2 years ago and I’m just now starting to plan paintings again, it’s nice to do something because i want to and not because some pompous jerk is standing over my shoulder ready to tell me it’s too “loosey goosey”. - arnoldisabstract
Source: Experience Project.
Start smoking. It doesn’t matter if it’s tobacco or hash, but just stick something in your mouth and inhale. Fun drugs like Quaaludes went the way of the dinosaurs, but there’s still a lot to smoke up and ingest in art school!
Learn how to nonchalantly discuss your drug problems. You probably only sparked a couple of doobies at your friends’ parties, but you really score artist brownie points if you can credibly make people believe you’ve done hits of acid, glimmer, angel dust, ice, crack shrooms, or smack. If you want to liven things up, tell people you’re on PCP and sit in the middle of the street hitting it with a hammer. Get loaded on space paste and go wander around a golf course looking for Japan. Get your Russian roommate to bring you a bottle of absinthe from the old country and spark that shit up in a spoon. (It tastes like Nyquil.)
Most people are afraid to take the hard shit, so it doesn’t matter if YOU have, just as long as you can make people believe you’re more hardcore than they are.
Are you really willing to put yourself $25,000 in debt for the “freedom” to make horseshit like this?
(Citation needed for golden shower painting.)
