A FIELD GUIDE TO ART STUDENTS: THE CRITIC. The Critic tears apart everyone’s works in a low mumble, or, if they’re especially bold – during Critique. They’re never satisfied with their own work, and merciless when other people’s work is deemed substandard. Most Critics are found in Painting/Drawing, Photography, and Graphic Design disciplines. To The Critic’s discerning eye, the worst offenses another artist can commit will generally stick to the following: lack of concept lack of technical skill unoriginality obtuse subject matter frivolity Critics possess a dogged work ethic and rabid ambition, and have no desire to make friends in low places. They only latch on to people whom they deem as allies, and/or people who can “get them somewhere.” Male Critics are often put on a pedestal by adoring fangirls (both fellow students and female professors) for the following reasons: declarative sentences talent and drive Bad Boy sensibility + Nice Boy fashion sense The Critic is usually an amazing artist, immune to counteraction - do not confuse them with The Chronic Bitcher (often their less-astute friend). Being The Critic’s friend is a mixed bag: if they’re mumbling their secret criticisms to you and snickering, then you likely won’t fall public victim to their malice on Critique Day…but don’t be surprised if they attack you too, because they don’t care. All that matters to them is good art done correctly, and they’ll never forgive you for not living up to their impossible standards. For those reasons, the Critic is the most likely out of all your classmates to go on to graduate school to teach in higher education - mostly to continue the pleasure of executing others. Identifying line: “That looks exactly like they pulled that out of their ass and wiped it on canvas.”
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A FIELD GUIDE TO ART STUDENTS: THE CRITIC.

The Critic tears apart everyone’s works in a low mumble, or, if they’re especially bold – during Critique. They’re never satisfied with their own work, and merciless when other people’s work is deemed substandard. Most Critics are found in Painting/Drawing, Photography, and Graphic Design disciplines.

To The Critic’s discerning eye, the worst offenses another artist can commit will generally stick to the following:

  • lack of concept
  • lack of technical skill
  • unoriginality
  • obtuse subject matter
  • frivolity

Critics possess a dogged work ethic and rabid ambition, and have no desire to make friends in low places. They only latch on to people whom they deem as allies, and/or people who can “get them somewhere.”

Male Critics are often put on a pedestal by adoring fangirls (both fellow students and female professors) for the following reasons:

  • declarative sentences
  • talent and drive
  • Bad Boy sensibility + Nice Boy fashion sense

The Critic is usually an amazing artist, immune to counteraction - do not confuse them with The Chronic Bitcher (often their less-astute friend).

Being The Critic’s friend is a mixed bag: if they’re mumbling their secret criticisms to you and snickering, then you likely won’t fall public victim to their malice on Critique Day…but don’t be surprised if they attack you too, because they don’t care. All that matters to them is good art done correctly, and they’ll never forgive you for not living up to their impossible standards.

For those reasons, the Critic is the most likely out of all your classmates to go on to graduate school to teach in higher education - mostly to continue the pleasure of executing others.

Identifying line: “That looks exactly like they pulled that out of their ass and wiped it on canvas.”

WHICH ONE EARNED THE BETTER GRADE IN CLASS:

The well-rendered pen and ink portrait?

or…

The one with a bunch of words written on it because the artist couldn’t be fucking bothered to paint an actual face?

ANSWER: Both of these earned a C because the professor said she was only accepting work done in charcoal that day. Both were ridiculed in Critique.

Typical Passive-Aggressive note found in art school.
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Typical Passive-Aggressive note found in art school.

Quotes From Actual Art Students.

“I don’t think that art can be taught. You can tell the difference between someone with the creativity that can adapt their medium to their vision and those who regardless of medium have no vision to apply it to.” - Anonymous

“I actually go to an Arts Academy. And there are about 50 students. AND SO MUCH DRAMA. I want to vom all over the place. Don’t get me started on the details.”        - wycomper

“I go to a very reputable art school in Chicago—and thats just the problem.  everyone’s so conceptual they cant get out of their way enough to realize that they’re all being completely stupid. i have never seen a more stuck up bunch of hipsters in my life. I have literally sat through more than one class lecture on “Hipster Culture”. I am being serious. Personally I am more interested in mainstream culture and wanted to study sound design here and someday have a career in the music industry, but somehow “commercial” is a dirty word here, and people can not stop criticizing me for being, well, normal. i hate art school.” - sarahmarra

“I’m involved in the arts, but I’m totally dead against art school unless you’re learning a trade along the way. As for you being ridiculed for being too commercial, I’d say that was a good sign, because someday, you are going to have the last laugh.” - lightpainter

“Studying art in college actually made me want to stop making art at all. Just the nature of the classes and the teachers and students , I just realized that i didn’t want to be associated with that world. That was 2 years ago and I’m just now starting to plan paintings again, it’s nice to do something because i want to and not because some pompous jerk is standing over my shoulder ready to tell me it’s too “loosey goosey”.     - arnoldisabstract

Source: Experience Project.

Grammar is irrelevant in art school.
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Grammar is irrelevant in art school.

A FIELD GUIDE TO ART STUDENTS:   THE UNDERESTIMATED GREEK The Underestimated Greek looks like the stereotypical frat boy/sorority girl. They come with all the trappings: vacant-sounding diction UGG boots sideways ballcaps popped collars fraternity hoodies nacho cheese-colored skin Because art students are usually snobby hipsters, many (including professors) jump to the conclusions that they are not good artists because they don’t have the correct look and pledged something. Fun Fact: The Underestimated Greeks are the most mocked art student at major university art schools! However, nothing is logical at art school, so naturally these people often are some of the best artists in the program and often have the best attitudes. They also usually leave the Greek system around their junior year out of disgust and become either hipsters and/or pre-med majors. Identifying line (female): “Sorry I’m like, late, I was tanning?” Identifying line (male): “Dude. I’m so hung over.”
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A FIELD GUIDE TO ART STUDENTS:   THE UNDERESTIMATED GREEK

The Underestimated Greek looks like the stereotypical frat boy/sorority girl. They come with all the trappings:

  • vacant-sounding diction
  • UGG boots
  • sideways ballcaps
  • popped collars
  • fraternity hoodies
  • nacho cheese-colored skin

Because art students are usually snobby hipsters, many (including professors) jump to the conclusions that they are not good artists because they don’t have the correct look and pledged something.

Fun Fact: The Underestimated Greeks are the most mocked art student at major university art schools!

However, nothing is logical at art school, so naturally these people often are some of the best artists in the program and often have the best attitudes. They also usually leave the Greek system around their junior year out of disgust and become either hipsters and/or pre-med majors.

Identifying line (female): “Sorry I’m like, late, I was tanning?”

Identifying line (male): “Dude. I’m so hung over.”

What To Expect From Beginning Classes.

Think of your core classes an art school boot camp, in which you are handed a series of tasks with the expectation that you competently complete them, but with no real purpose. You will slave over these meaningless assignments for weeks, wondering why you are wasting your time, worrying that failure to reach the goal of the assignment will lead you to another major.

This is the weeding-out process of separating the “serious” art students from the “poseurs.” Most of the fake emo kids and ersatz punks fail or leave the program at this point, due to their lack of discipline. (It’s okay; it gives them something to bitch about in their DeviantART blogs.)

THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAM.

Throughout art school, you will take classes where the professor makes you use a material which you are entirely unqualified to use…and hate. This could be as simple as using
pastels when you’re more comfortable using pen and ink, or it could be as dangerous as you operating welding equipment with little training beyond seventh-grade shop class.

Irrelevant assignments are notoriously maddening and complicated for no reason, other than sadism on the professor’s part.

You are expected to appear to be “thinking outside the box,” but in reality you have to complete these tasks within the elusive guidelines on the syllabus handout.

HOW WILL YOU FAIL?

For instance, you will learn about color theory in your beginning Two Dimensions class. After being given a handout with lots of science-y sounding words, you will be
expected to create, by hand, your own color theory chart; as if there aren’t already enough in the world. You will paint stripes of reds, blues, and yellows. You will mix the colors, and paint new stripes. You will repeat this a third time. You will take an x-acto knife and cut out little rectangles from these primary, secondary, and tertiary stripes, arrange them in a circle on posterboard, and affix them with rubber cement.

You will have no idea in hell why you are even doing this or what it means, and when you are rapidly finishing this assignment at the last minute, you will slice off your fingertip and land in the emergency room to have it re-attached. You will not have done the chart correctly (is there an answer? Isn’t it a “theory?”), and your professor will make you re-do it when your finger heals.

EGO CRUSHING 101.

Your Three Dimensions class will involve you having to make a chair. That’s all. A chair. You don’t have any idea how to execute the chair, so you go to the library and look up pictures of famous chairs (there are some) and try to figure out how to make one. You will decide to do the easiest-looking one, go to the store, and buy some balsa wood. You will have a hard time getting the chair to stick together with glue, so you half-destroy the thing with carpet tacks and the cloudy veil of incompetence. You will try to hide the piece’s engineering shortcomings with Xeroxes of a comic strip you like, and suddenly decide to explain the whole thing off as a “reflection of your childhood,” as if pulling THAT out of your ass will suffice in masking your failure. You’ll paint the rest of the thing yellow because that’s the only paint you have left in your tackle box that isn’t dried out.

You will come to class with your shitty-looking chair and you will be shamed because The Critic made gorgeous, intricate, museum-quality work. Yours looks like it should be in a dumpster.

In fact, when you get your C, that’s precisely where it ends up.