“I’m like, basing this semester’s work on lyrics that really have deep significance to my life right now. At the moment I’m like totally obsessed with Peter Murphy. He’s so beautiful and dark, and I am like in love with him so much I want to immortalize his genius on canvas in beautiful calligraphy. It’s like he’s my muse or something.” "In Hedonism's shaft like lookHe wears the id the painter mistookAnd with her flame he'll burn its fleshBurn the freeze transcend the mesh"
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“I’m like, basing this semester’s work on lyrics that really have deep significance to my life right now. At the moment I’m like totally obsessed with Peter Murphy. He’s so beautiful and dark, and I am like in love with him so much I want to immortalize his genius on canvas in beautiful calligraphy. It’s like he’s my muse or something.”

"In Hedonism's shaft like look
He wears the id the painter mistook
And with her flame he'll burn its flesh
Burn the freeze transcend the mesh"


A FIELD GUIDE TO ART STUDENTS: THE CRITIC. The Critic tears apart everyone’s works in a low mumble, or, if they’re especially bold – during Critique. They’re never satisfied with their own work, and merciless when other people’s work is deemed substandard. Most Critics are found in Painting/Drawing, Photography, and Graphic Design disciplines. To The Critic’s discerning eye, the worst offenses another artist can commit will generally stick to the following: lack of concept lack of technical skill unoriginality obtuse subject matter frivolity Critics possess a dogged work ethic and rabid ambition, and have no desire to make friends in low places. They only latch on to people whom they deem as allies, and/or people who can “get them somewhere.” Male Critics are often put on a pedestal by adoring fangirls (both fellow students and female professors) for the following reasons: declarative sentences talent and drive Bad Boy sensibility + Nice Boy fashion sense The Critic is usually an amazing artist, immune to counteraction - do not confuse them with The Chronic Bitcher (often their less-astute friend). Being The Critic’s friend is a mixed bag: if they’re mumbling their secret criticisms to you and snickering, then you likely won’t fall public victim to their malice on Critique Day…but don’t be surprised if they attack you too, because they don’t care. All that matters to them is good art done correctly, and they’ll never forgive you for not living up to their impossible standards. For those reasons, the Critic is the most likely out of all your classmates to go on to graduate school to teach in higher education - mostly to continue the pleasure of executing others. Identifying line: “That looks exactly like they pulled that out of their ass and wiped it on canvas.”
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A FIELD GUIDE TO ART STUDENTS: THE CRITIC.

The Critic tears apart everyone’s works in a low mumble, or, if they’re especially bold – during Critique. They’re never satisfied with their own work, and merciless when other people’s work is deemed substandard. Most Critics are found in Painting/Drawing, Photography, and Graphic Design disciplines.

To The Critic’s discerning eye, the worst offenses another artist can commit will generally stick to the following:

  • lack of concept
  • lack of technical skill
  • unoriginality
  • obtuse subject matter
  • frivolity

Critics possess a dogged work ethic and rabid ambition, and have no desire to make friends in low places. They only latch on to people whom they deem as allies, and/or people who can “get them somewhere.”

Male Critics are often put on a pedestal by adoring fangirls (both fellow students and female professors) for the following reasons:

  • declarative sentences
  • talent and drive
  • Bad Boy sensibility + Nice Boy fashion sense

The Critic is usually an amazing artist, immune to counteraction - do not confuse them with The Chronic Bitcher (often their less-astute friend).

Being The Critic’s friend is a mixed bag: if they’re mumbling their secret criticisms to you and snickering, then you likely won’t fall public victim to their malice on Critique Day…but don’t be surprised if they attack you too, because they don’t care. All that matters to them is good art done correctly, and they’ll never forgive you for not living up to their impossible standards.

For those reasons, the Critic is the most likely out of all your classmates to go on to graduate school to teach in higher education - mostly to continue the pleasure of executing others.

Identifying line: “That looks exactly like they pulled that out of their ass and wiped it on canvas.”

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PLACES TO HOOK UP:  THE STUDENT COMMONS: Although artists are notorious for succumbing to passion quite quickly, remember that your school’s common area is the first place people will find you. This only works for exhibitionists and people turned on by the smell of microwave popcorn. Though the sofa is the most obvious place for a quickie, please keep in mind that the following items are lurking under the couch cushions this very minute: used tampons used condoms/condom wrappers half-eaten Tastykake cigarette crumbles from soft pack of Marlboros every type of spare change denomination except quarters cassette of REM’s “Automatic For The People,” lost by someone in 1993 clay dirt crumbles from someone’s ceramics-major boyfriend bed bugs
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PLACES TO HOOK UP:  THE STUDENT COMMONS:

Although artists are notorious for succumbing to passion quite quickly, remember that your school’s common area is the first place people will find you. This only works for exhibitionists and people turned on by the smell of microwave popcorn.

Though the sofa is the most obvious place for a quickie, please keep in mind that the following items are lurking under the couch cushions this very minute:

  • used tampons
  • used condoms/condom wrappers
  • half-eaten Tastykake
  • cigarette crumbles from soft pack of Marlboros
  • every type of spare change denomination except quarters
  • cassette of REM’s “Automatic For The People,” lost by someone in 1993
  • clay dirt crumbles from someone’s ceramics-major boyfriend
  • bed bugs

Handling The Press.

If you are at an art school within a large university, you have an uphill battle to fight. You likely have poor funding, and are the object of much ridicule from more “serious” schools of thought or vocation. Engineers love to jeer at art students, saying they’ll never get real jobs. (They’re mostly right.) English majors are sympathetic to artistic temperaments, but are smug in their writing skills (lacking in most visual arts students). Math majors would rather be left alone. Business majors wonder why art kids are so unprofessional and seemingly anarchistic.

There’s no better way to reinforce these stereotypes than by acting like an idiot when newspaper reporters come around to stir up “controversy.”

Circumstances change, but these controversies always encompass the same principles.

  • The desire to be taken seriously.
  • The desire to remain true to a spirit of whimsy.
  • The desire for attention.
  • The hope that controversy works for them like it did for Banksy.

Usually what happens is, some ornery instigator decides to call attention to something that pisses them off. It’s always one of the following:

  • not being selected for a juried exhibit
  • needing to “have a voice” or “take a stand” or “defy expectations”
  • bad review from juror THEY invited
  • interpreting bad juror review as “censorship” or “ignorance of greatness”
  • wanting to “begin a dialogue” about something taboo (usually vaginas)
  •  deciding to be an asshole to see if it gets people to notice their work
  • Thorazine wore off

If they garner enough attention, it usually results a dry, boring article depicting the art department in a neutral light. Most people skip through those articles anyway. This, of course, insults the art department. No one can understand why the newspaper won’t “write about anything controversial for once” and they will complain about the injustice in class. The professor will support the students who “shook things up” and encourage them to fight the power.

FIELD GUIDE TO ART STUDENTS: THE DARK ANGEL.  The Dark Angel is a devoted fan of Tim Burton and Edward Gorey. She is well-read, cultured, and extremely intelligent. She has talent in illustration, design, writing, painting and photography. She is usually either miserable in Painting, or miserable in Graphic Design, or miserable in Drawing. Some professors don’t appreciate her, but others wish more students were like her. The Dark Angel can be identified by the following: neo-Victorian mourning attire handmade arm warmers frills gigantic cameos long Dr. Marten boots with torn fishnets skull barrettes Joy Division and Bauhaus posters in studio obsession with 19th century postmortem photography utilizing blood in her paintings (usually her own, sometimes an animal’s) Identifies as INFP on her Myers-Briggs chart pieces often include doll heads, knife slices, skeletons, adorable monsters writes sexy True Blood fanfic to relax morose yet dogged work ethic 4.0 GPA Identifying line: “I HAVE to get out of this program!”
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FIELD GUIDE TO ART STUDENTS: THE DARK ANGEL.

 The Dark Angel is a devoted fan of Tim Burton and Edward Gorey. She is well-read, cultured, and extremely intelligent. She has talent in illustration, design, writing, painting and photography. She is usually either miserable in Painting, or miserable in Graphic Design, or miserable in Drawing. Some professors don’t appreciate her, but others wish more students were like her.

The Dark Angel can be identified by the following:

  • neo-Victorian mourning attire
  • handmade arm warmers
  • frills
  • gigantic cameos
  • long Dr. Marten boots with torn fishnets
  • skull barrettes
  • Joy Division and Bauhaus posters in studio
  • obsession with 19th century postmortem photography
  • utilizing blood in her paintings (usually her own, sometimes an animal’s)
  • Identifies as INFP on her Myers-Briggs chart
  • pieces often include doll heads, knife slices, skeletons, adorable monsters
  • writes sexy True Blood fanfic to relax
  • morose yet dogged work ethic
  • 4.0 GPA

Identifying line: “I HAVE to get out of this program!”

SCULPTORS:

The good news is, if someone gets injured while viewing or handling your piece, you can get some free attention from newspapers, magazines, TV news, and defense lawyers!

Start smoking. It doesn’t matter if it’s tobacco or hash, but just stick something in your mouth and inhale. Fun drugs like Quaaludes went the way of the dinosaurs, but there’s still a lot to smoke up and ingest in art school! Learn how to nonchalantly discuss your drug problems. You probably only sparked a couple of doobies at your friends’ parties, but you really score artist brownie points if you can credibly make people believe you’ve done hits of acid, glimmer, angel dust, ice, crack shrooms, or smack. If you want to liven things up, tell people you’re on PCP and sit in the middle of the street hitting it with a hammer. Get loaded on space paste and go wander around a golf course looking for Japan. Get your Russian roommate to bring you a bottle of absinthe from the old country and spark that shit up in a spoon. (It tastes like Nyquil.) Most people are afraid to take the hard shit, so it doesn’t matter if YOU have, just as long as you can make people believe you’re more hardcore than they are.
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Start smoking. It doesn’t matter if it’s tobacco or hash, but just stick something in your mouth and inhale. Fun drugs like Quaaludes went the way of the dinosaurs, but there’s still a lot to smoke up and ingest in art school!

Learn how to nonchalantly discuss your drug problems. You probably only sparked a couple of doobies at your friends’ parties, but you really score artist brownie points if you can credibly make people believe you’ve done hits of acid, glimmer, angel dust, ice, crack shrooms, or smack. If you want to liven things up, tell people you’re on PCP and sit in the middle of the street hitting it with a hammer. Get loaded on space paste and go wander around a golf course looking for Japan. Get your Russian roommate to bring you a bottle of absinthe from the old country and spark that shit up in a spoon. (It tastes like Nyquil.)

Most people are afraid to take the hard shit, so it doesn’t matter if YOU have, just as long as you can make people believe you’re more hardcore than they are.

A FIELD GUIDE TO ART STUDENTS: MR. BUTTERWORTH. Art is all about sucking up. By buttering the professor’s ego, they will be more sympathetic to Mr. Butterworth’s work and possibly even choose him to be their (unpaid) TA next semester. (Mr. Butterworth is always male, though he is frequently spotted with a fanatic female devotee.) Mr. Butterworth can be identified when he does the following: name drops sells himself mentions his hobnobbing with professors carries art theory books to appear intellectual wears cardigan sweaters keeps secret flashcards of famous artists hands out business cards with quotes from Susan Sontag names his SmugMug account after an obsolete film processing technique This establishes instant hierarchy: he regards himself as important because he has ambition – the ambition to collect status.   Mr. Butterworth’s actual art is fair to middling, and usually relies on trickery to appear deep and meaningful. He has remarkable skill in getting an entire semester’s worth of critiques over three classes for one mediocre photo shoot. Mr. Butterworth is usually a photographer, but he can be found in the painting and sculpture departments as well. Sucking up will reward him with the following: invitation to the professor’s parties wine and hummus smug feelings of self-importance in the name of art a great vocabulary Identifying line: “My art comes before my grades.”
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A FIELD GUIDE TO ART STUDENTS: MR. BUTTERWORTH.

Art is all about sucking up. By buttering the professor’s ego, they will be more sympathetic to Mr. Butterworth’s work and possibly even choose him to be their (unpaid) TA next semester. (Mr. Butterworth is always male, though he is frequently spotted with a fanatic female devotee.)

Mr. Butterworth can be identified when he does the following:

  • name drops
  • sells himself
  • mentions his hobnobbing with professors
  • carries art theory books to appear intellectual
  • wears cardigan sweaters
  • keeps secret flashcards of famous artists
  • hands out business cards with quotes from Susan Sontag
  • names his SmugMug account after an obsolete film processing technique

This establishes instant hierarchy: he regards himself as important because he has ambition – the ambition to collect status.  

Mr. Butterworth’s actual art is fair to middling, and usually relies on trickery to appear deep and meaningful. He has remarkable skill in getting an entire semester’s worth of critiques over three classes for one mediocre photo shoot.

Mr. Butterworth is usually a photographer, but he can be found in the painting and sculpture departments as well.

Sucking up will reward him with the following:

  • invitation to the professor’s parties
  • wine and hummus
  • smug feelings of self-importance in the name of art
  • a great vocabulary

Identifying line: “My art comes before my grades.”

Correct Artist-Adverb Usage When Describing Something You Don’t Understand.

Picassoesque

Pollockesque

Calderesque

DeKooninglike

Saarlike

Krasneresque

Jeff Wall-ish

Beuysian

Kandinskian

Gottlieb-y

Foucaultian

Greenburgian

Mondrianian

A FIELD GUIDE TO ART STUDENTS:   THE UNDERESTIMATED GREEK The Underestimated Greek looks like the stereotypical frat boy/sorority girl. They come with all the trappings: vacant-sounding diction UGG boots sideways ballcaps popped collars fraternity hoodies nacho cheese-colored skin Because art students are usually snobby hipsters, many (including professors) jump to the conclusions that they are not good artists because they don’t have the correct look and pledged something. Fun Fact: The Underestimated Greeks are the most mocked art student at major university art schools! However, nothing is logical at art school, so naturally these people often are some of the best artists in the program and often have the best attitudes. They also usually leave the Greek system around their junior year out of disgust and become either hipsters and/or pre-med majors. Identifying line (female): “Sorry I’m like, late, I was tanning?” Identifying line (male): “Dude. I’m so hung over.”
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A FIELD GUIDE TO ART STUDENTS:   THE UNDERESTIMATED GREEK

The Underestimated Greek looks like the stereotypical frat boy/sorority girl. They come with all the trappings:

  • vacant-sounding diction
  • UGG boots
  • sideways ballcaps
  • popped collars
  • fraternity hoodies
  • nacho cheese-colored skin

Because art students are usually snobby hipsters, many (including professors) jump to the conclusions that they are not good artists because they don’t have the correct look and pledged something.

Fun Fact: The Underestimated Greeks are the most mocked art student at major university art schools!

However, nothing is logical at art school, so naturally these people often are some of the best artists in the program and often have the best attitudes. They also usually leave the Greek system around their junior year out of disgust and become either hipsters and/or pre-med majors.

Identifying line (female): “Sorry I’m like, late, I was tanning?”

Identifying line (male): “Dude. I’m so hung over.”