“I wasn’t learning anything and could paint on my own at home.” - David Lynch, on why he quit the Philadelphia Academy of Fine Arts.
View Separately

“I wasn’t learning anything and could paint on my own at home.” - David Lynch, on why he quit the Philadelphia Academy of Fine Arts.

“I’m like, basing this semester’s work on lyrics that really have deep significance to my life right now. At the moment I’m like totally obsessed with Peter Murphy. He’s so beautiful and dark, and I am like in love with him so much I want to immortalize his genius on canvas in beautiful calligraphy. It’s like he’s my muse or something.” "In Hedonism's shaft like lookHe wears the id the painter mistookAnd with her flame he'll burn its fleshBurn the freeze transcend the mesh"
Pop-upView Separately

“I’m like, basing this semester’s work on lyrics that really have deep significance to my life right now. At the moment I’m like totally obsessed with Peter Murphy. He’s so beautiful and dark, and I am like in love with him so much I want to immortalize his genius on canvas in beautiful calligraphy. It’s like he’s my muse or something.”

"In Hedonism's shaft like look
He wears the id the painter mistook
And with her flame he'll burn its flesh
Burn the freeze transcend the mesh"


A FIELD GUIDE TO ART STUDENTS: THE EUROPEAN EXCHANGE STUDENT. The European Exchange Student is invariably good-looking, charming, and better-educated than Americans. Their work has an edge over yours because the professor notices a “different perspective” and praises their “thinking outside the confinement of American principles.” Ignore this, because there is no sense in competing with them. They’re automatically more sophisticated than everyone, even if they actually are considered hillbillies from whence they came. You might as well just try to date them. Although all European exchange students rank higher in the art school food chain, there is a hierarchy of adoration depending on the country they hail from. SOPHISTICATED: United Kingdom (even accents from dumpy cities sound fancy here) Ireland France Germany Any Scandinavian country Any Mediterranean country KINDA SOPHISTICATED Anywhere in Eastern Europe except Albania Holland (males…females rank higher) Belgium IMMEDIATE STATUS SYMBOL Dating the European Exchange Student is second only to doing a study-abroad. After a few weeks of canoodling, you have effectively earned the right to flaunt a Continental attitude about your work/life; you will be allowed to prattle on about your broader knowledge of geography, and now you can belligerently bitch about “American attitudes about sex.” If you’re dating an Easterner, you may have an “in” for getting authentic black-market absinthe to whip out at parties and pretend you’re tripping like your whacked-out 19th-century heroes. It’s great while it lasts, but the European Exchange Student inevitably go back home. Strengths: They can bring you candy from home Have a nice lilting accent (except the Germans) Dress really well Weaknesses: Have significant other in the old country they didn’t tell you about Sleeping with three other people at any given moment Mandatory military service Identifying line: “Vot ees your fascination mit Kardashians?”
Pop-upView Separately

A FIELD GUIDE TO ART STUDENTS: THE EUROPEAN EXCHANGE STUDENT.

The European Exchange Student is invariably good-looking, charming, and better-educated than Americans. Their work has an edge over yours because the professor notices a “different perspective” and praises their “thinking outside the confinement of American principles.” Ignore this, because there is no sense in competing with them. They’re automatically more sophisticated than everyone, even if they actually are considered hillbillies from whence they came. You might as well just try to date them.

Although all European exchange students rank higher in the art school food chain, there is a hierarchy of adoration depending on the country they hail from.

SOPHISTICATED:

  • United Kingdom (even accents from dumpy cities sound fancy here)
  • Ireland
  • France
  • Germany
  • Any Scandinavian country
  • Any Mediterranean country

KINDA SOPHISTICATED

  • Anywhere in Eastern Europe except Albania
  • Holland (males…females rank higher)
  • Belgium

IMMEDIATE STATUS SYMBOL

Dating the European Exchange Student is second only to doing a study-abroad. After a few weeks of canoodling, you have effectively earned the right to flaunt a Continental attitude about your work/life; you will be allowed to prattle on about your broader knowledge of geography, and now you can belligerently bitch about “American attitudes about sex.” If you’re dating an Easterner, you may have an “in” for getting authentic black-market absinthe to whip out at parties and pretend you’re tripping like your whacked-out 19th-century heroes. It’s great while it lasts, but the European Exchange Student inevitably go back home.

Strengths:

  • They can bring you candy from home
  • Have a nice lilting accent (except the Germans)
  • Dress really well

Weaknesses:

  • Have significant other in the old country they didn’t tell you about
  • Sleeping with three other people at any given moment
  • Mandatory military service

Identifying line: “Vot ees your fascination mit Kardashians?”

Pop-upView Separately

Art School Culture: Fake It ‘Til You Make It.

Art school people, like hipsters, exist in a realm where one constantly walks the fine line of irony and earnestness. Being popular yet esoteric is extremely difficult, but it’s essential to your social success! First impressions can make or break you in the hierarchy, and the best preparation is to do your homework before attending any exhibition/class/party. Here’s a few suggestions:

  • Invent a catchphrase or two and insert them in every sentence until people associate the phrase with you.
  • Create an inside joke with yourself and refer to it constantly to keep people guessing.
  • Adopt a particular style and ONLY do that. Leave your mark everywhere.

Remember, it’s important to have a grasp on whatever it is you’re “obsessed with.” It doesn’t matter what it is. It could be ham, Russ Meyer films, robots, graffiti, cats, telephone wires, whatever - but you must be able to do the following with your chosen obsession:

  • have strong opinions about it
  • be able to talk about it at great length in delclarative sentences
  • discuss how it affects your art/mindset/daily life
  • make condescending remarks to people who “don’t get it.”
  • say/do something offensive and justify your actions until you’re arrested
  • contradict everything everyone else says just for the hell of it

Since art school is generally pretty laissez-faire about your particular obsession, it’s easy enough to do research about something you like…but be very careful if you’re trying to fit in with an individual or crowd with an obsession about which you know little (usually limited to bands). Another faux pas is to misuse a big vocabulary word. You’ll be outed as a poseur in a New York minute and the humiliation won’t die because artists’ memories are notoriously elephantine.

Example mistake lines: 

  • “I just LOVE P.J. Harvey. His voice is amazing.”
  • “Joy Division? I love those guys! I listen to them when I need something happy to listen to!”
  • “Anne Geddes is a creative genius!”
  • “I had an insane amount of dead skin on my scalp…it looked like I had halitosis.”

Introduction To Ceramics.

Art School ceramics students primarily learn the craftsmanship of the ancient art of pottery. They will work primarily in the teacup and bowl genre. Ceramics exhibits are usually very minimalist and the artists present these teacups as art, rather than what they really are: vessels that are sometimes fancy. For many, clay tiles are about as abstract as it gets.

Sometimes a renegade ceramics student will shock everyone by taking the medium outside of the realm of utility. They might do one of the following:

  • combine porcelain slip with photographic elements
  • performance art 
  • make strange organic forms that serve no function

This is against the rules! Form over function is too…sculptural…for them to feel comfortable. Ceramics professors prefer to keep ceramics and sculpture mutually exclusive. Occasionally they will belittle the sculpture department for its frivolity, and bring everyone back to basics: you’re there to make interesting teapots.

Unlike painting, the artist statement for the ceramics student does not focus on lofty, pretentious name dropping. Instead, ceramists write folksy anecdotes about “drinking tea with their grandmothers” or “choosing a glaze that reminds them of New Mexico sunsets.”

Don’t be fooled by this. Ceramics may appear to be the philosophical antithesis of painting; but upon closer inspection, you will realize that in both fields, the professors’ collective mindsets are identically narrow.

A FIELD GUIDE TO ART STUDENTS: THE CRITIC. The Critic tears apart everyone’s works in a low mumble, or, if they’re especially bold – during Critique. They’re never satisfied with their own work, and merciless when other people’s work is deemed substandard. Most Critics are found in Painting/Drawing, Photography, and Graphic Design disciplines. To The Critic’s discerning eye, the worst offenses another artist can commit will generally stick to the following: lack of concept lack of technical skill unoriginality obtuse subject matter frivolity Critics possess a dogged work ethic and rabid ambition, and have no desire to make friends in low places. They only latch on to people whom they deem as allies, and/or people who can “get them somewhere.” Male Critics are often put on a pedestal by adoring fangirls (both fellow students and female professors) for the following reasons: declarative sentences talent and drive Bad Boy sensibility + Nice Boy fashion sense The Critic is usually an amazing artist, immune to counteraction - do not confuse them with The Chronic Bitcher (often their less-astute friend). Being The Critic’s friend is a mixed bag: if they’re mumbling their secret criticisms to you and snickering, then you likely won’t fall public victim to their malice on Critique Day…but don’t be surprised if they attack you too, because they don’t care. All that matters to them is good art done correctly, and they’ll never forgive you for not living up to their impossible standards. For those reasons, the Critic is the most likely out of all your classmates to go on to graduate school to teach in higher education - mostly to continue the pleasure of executing others. Identifying line: “That looks exactly like they pulled that out of their ass and wiped it on canvas.”
Pop-upView Separately

A FIELD GUIDE TO ART STUDENTS: THE CRITIC.

The Critic tears apart everyone’s works in a low mumble, or, if they’re especially bold – during Critique. They’re never satisfied with their own work, and merciless when other people’s work is deemed substandard. Most Critics are found in Painting/Drawing, Photography, and Graphic Design disciplines.

To The Critic’s discerning eye, the worst offenses another artist can commit will generally stick to the following:

  • lack of concept
  • lack of technical skill
  • unoriginality
  • obtuse subject matter
  • frivolity

Critics possess a dogged work ethic and rabid ambition, and have no desire to make friends in low places. They only latch on to people whom they deem as allies, and/or people who can “get them somewhere.”

Male Critics are often put on a pedestal by adoring fangirls (both fellow students and female professors) for the following reasons:

  • declarative sentences
  • talent and drive
  • Bad Boy sensibility + Nice Boy fashion sense

The Critic is usually an amazing artist, immune to counteraction - do not confuse them with The Chronic Bitcher (often their less-astute friend).

Being The Critic’s friend is a mixed bag: if they’re mumbling their secret criticisms to you and snickering, then you likely won’t fall public victim to their malice on Critique Day…but don’t be surprised if they attack you too, because they don’t care. All that matters to them is good art done correctly, and they’ll never forgive you for not living up to their impossible standards.

For those reasons, the Critic is the most likely out of all your classmates to go on to graduate school to teach in higher education - mostly to continue the pleasure of executing others.

Identifying line: “That looks exactly like they pulled that out of their ass and wiped it on canvas.”

Pop-upView Separately
KNOW YOUR PAINTING PROFESSOR: THE BOHEMIAN Usually chooses “abstract expressionism” as their primary medium.  Prefers wearing natural fibers loose-fitting trousers clogs bulky neck scarves hacked-up birds-nest hairstyles (free-spirited pigtails; hedge-clipper shreds) whimsical glasses/hats not above putting knitting needles in hair The bohemian tends to work exclusively in abstract expressionism, because realism hinders an artist’s unbridled creativity. She often utilizes unorthodox materials such as: hair (pet, human, pubic) cardboard homeless shelters Metrocards cigarette butts from various receptacles placentae ancestral quilts burial shrouds She’s often covered in filth of some sort. You want to avoid hugs and contact with her hair. Occasionally she will bring in her pet (large dog; ferret). She encourages music in the classroom, but beware: it’s usually “world music” or Indigo Girls. STRENGTHS: appreciates bullshit artist statements good networker despite slovenly appearance awesome housesitting opportunities WEAKNESSES: can’t/won’t use computers weirdly OCD about brush types picks favorites Identifying line: “The triangle is a metaphor for the womb and the vagina.”
Pop-upView Separately

KNOW YOUR PAINTING PROFESSOR: THE BOHEMIAN

Usually chooses “abstract expressionism” as their primary medium. 

Prefers wearing

  • natural fibers
  • loose-fitting trousers
  • clogs
  • bulky neck scarves
  • hacked-up birds-nest hairstyles (free-spirited pigtails; hedge-clipper shreds)
  • whimsical glasses/hats
  • not above putting knitting needles in hair

The bohemian tends to work exclusively in abstract expressionism, because realism hinders an artist’s unbridled creativity. She often utilizes unorthodox materials such as:

  • hair (pet, human, pubic)
  • cardboard homeless shelters
  • Metrocards
  • cigarette butts from various receptacles
  • placentae
  • ancestral quilts
  • burial shrouds

She’s often covered in filth of some sort. You want to avoid hugs and contact with her hair. Occasionally she will bring in her pet (large dog; ferret). She encourages music in the classroom, but beware: it’s usually “world music” or Indigo Girls.

STRENGTHS:

  • appreciates bullshit artist statements
  • good networker despite slovenly appearance
  • awesome housesitting opportunities

WEAKNESSES:

  • can’t/won’t use computers
  • weirdly OCD about brush types
  • picks favorites

Identifying line: “The triangle is a metaphor for the womb and the vagina.”

When in doubt, you can always cast your ass in something to make a statement!
Pop-upView Separately

When in doubt, you can always cast your ass in something to make a statement!

PLACES TO HOOK UP:  THE STUDENT COMMONS: Although artists are notorious for succumbing to passion quite quickly, remember that your school’s common area is the first place people will find you. This only works for exhibitionists and people turned on by the smell of microwave popcorn. Though the sofa is the most obvious place for a quickie, please keep in mind that the following items are lurking under the couch cushions this very minute: used tampons used condoms/condom wrappers half-eaten Tastykake cigarette crumbles from soft pack of Marlboros every type of spare change denomination except quarters cassette of REM’s “Automatic For The People,” lost by someone in 1993 clay dirt crumbles from someone’s ceramics-major boyfriend bed bugs
Pop-upView Separately

PLACES TO HOOK UP:  THE STUDENT COMMONS:

Although artists are notorious for succumbing to passion quite quickly, remember that your school’s common area is the first place people will find you. This only works for exhibitionists and people turned on by the smell of microwave popcorn.

Though the sofa is the most obvious place for a quickie, please keep in mind that the following items are lurking under the couch cushions this very minute:

  • used tampons
  • used condoms/condom wrappers
  • half-eaten Tastykake
  • cigarette crumbles from soft pack of Marlboros
  • every type of spare change denomination except quarters
  • cassette of REM’s “Automatic For The People,” lost by someone in 1993
  • clay dirt crumbles from someone’s ceramics-major boyfriend
  • bed bugs

WHICH ONE EARNED THE BETTER GRADE IN CLASS:

The well-rendered pen and ink portrait?

or…

The one with a bunch of words written on it because the artist couldn’t be fucking bothered to paint an actual face?

ANSWER: Both of these earned a C because the professor said she was only accepting work done in charcoal that day. Both were ridiculed in Critique.

Handling The Press.

If you are at an art school within a large university, you have an uphill battle to fight. You likely have poor funding, and are the object of much ridicule from more “serious” schools of thought or vocation. Engineers love to jeer at art students, saying they’ll never get real jobs. (They’re mostly right.) English majors are sympathetic to artistic temperaments, but are smug in their writing skills (lacking in most visual arts students). Math majors would rather be left alone. Business majors wonder why art kids are so unprofessional and seemingly anarchistic.

There’s no better way to reinforce these stereotypes than by acting like an idiot when newspaper reporters come around to stir up “controversy.”

Circumstances change, but these controversies always encompass the same principles.

  • The desire to be taken seriously.
  • The desire to remain true to a spirit of whimsy.
  • The desire for attention.
  • The hope that controversy works for them like it did for Banksy.

Usually what happens is, some ornery instigator decides to call attention to something that pisses them off. It’s always one of the following:

  • not being selected for a juried exhibit
  • needing to “have a voice” or “take a stand” or “defy expectations”
  • bad review from juror THEY invited
  • interpreting bad juror review as “censorship” or “ignorance of greatness”
  • wanting to “begin a dialogue” about something taboo (usually vaginas)
  •  deciding to be an asshole to see if it gets people to notice their work
  • Thorazine wore off

If they garner enough attention, it usually results a dry, boring article depicting the art department in a neutral light. Most people skip through those articles anyway. This, of course, insults the art department. No one can understand why the newspaper won’t “write about anything controversial for once” and they will complain about the injustice in class. The professor will support the students who “shook things up” and encourage them to fight the power.

FIELD GUIDE TO ART STUDENTS: THE DARK ANGEL.  The Dark Angel is a devoted fan of Tim Burton and Edward Gorey. She is well-read, cultured, and extremely intelligent. She has talent in illustration, design, writing, painting and photography. She is usually either miserable in Painting, or miserable in Graphic Design, or miserable in Drawing. Some professors don’t appreciate her, but others wish more students were like her. The Dark Angel can be identified by the following: neo-Victorian mourning attire handmade arm warmers frills gigantic cameos long Dr. Marten boots with torn fishnets skull barrettes Joy Division and Bauhaus posters in studio obsession with 19th century postmortem photography utilizing blood in her paintings (usually her own, sometimes an animal’s) Identifies as INFP on her Myers-Briggs chart pieces often include doll heads, knife slices, skeletons, adorable monsters writes sexy True Blood fanfic to relax morose yet dogged work ethic 4.0 GPA Identifying line: “I HAVE to get out of this program!”
Pop-upView Separately

FIELD GUIDE TO ART STUDENTS: THE DARK ANGEL.

 The Dark Angel is a devoted fan of Tim Burton and Edward Gorey. She is well-read, cultured, and extremely intelligent. She has talent in illustration, design, writing, painting and photography. She is usually either miserable in Painting, or miserable in Graphic Design, or miserable in Drawing. Some professors don’t appreciate her, but others wish more students were like her.

The Dark Angel can be identified by the following:

  • neo-Victorian mourning attire
  • handmade arm warmers
  • frills
  • gigantic cameos
  • long Dr. Marten boots with torn fishnets
  • skull barrettes
  • Joy Division and Bauhaus posters in studio
  • obsession with 19th century postmortem photography
  • utilizing blood in her paintings (usually her own, sometimes an animal’s)
  • Identifies as INFP on her Myers-Briggs chart
  • pieces often include doll heads, knife slices, skeletons, adorable monsters
  • writes sexy True Blood fanfic to relax
  • morose yet dogged work ethic
  • 4.0 GPA

Identifying line: “I HAVE to get out of this program!”