“I’m like, basing this semester’s work on lyrics that really have deep significance to my life right now. At the moment I’m like totally obsessed with Peter Murphy. He’s so beautiful and dark, and I am like in love with him so much I want to immortalize his genius on canvas in beautiful calligraphy. It’s like he’s my muse or something.”
"In Hedonism's shaft like look
He wears the id the painter mistook
And with her flame he'll burn its flesh
Burn the freeze transcend the mesh"
A FIELD GUIDE TO ART STUDENTS: THE EUROPEAN EXCHANGE STUDENT.
The European Exchange Student is invariably good-looking, charming, and better-educated than Americans. Their work has an edge over yours because the professor notices a “different perspective” and praises their “thinking outside the confinement of American principles.” Ignore this, because there is no sense in competing with them. They’re automatically more sophisticated than everyone, even if they actually are considered hillbillies from whence they came. You might as well just try to date them.
Although all European exchange students rank higher in the art school food chain, there is a hierarchy of adoration depending on the country they hail from.
SOPHISTICATED:
- United Kingdom (even accents from dumpy cities sound fancy here)
- Ireland
- France
- Germany
- Any Scandinavian country
- Any Mediterranean country
KINDA SOPHISTICATED
- Anywhere in Eastern Europe except Albania
- Holland (males…females rank higher)
- Belgium
IMMEDIATE STATUS SYMBOL
Dating the European Exchange Student is second only to doing a study-abroad. After a few weeks of canoodling, you have effectively earned the right to flaunt a Continental attitude about your work/life; you will be allowed to prattle on about your broader knowledge of geography, and now you can belligerently bitch about “American attitudes about sex.” If you’re dating an Easterner, you may have an “in” for getting authentic black-market absinthe to whip out at parties and pretend you’re tripping like your whacked-out 19th-century heroes. It’s great while it lasts, but the European Exchange Student inevitably go back home.
Strengths:
- They can bring you candy from home
- Have a nice lilting accent (except the Germans)
- Dress really well
Weaknesses:
- Have significant other in the old country they didn’t tell you about
- Sleeping with three other people at any given moment
- Mandatory military service
Identifying line: “Vot ees your fascination mit Kardashians?”
Art School Culture: Fake It ‘Til You Make It.
Art school people, like hipsters, exist in a realm where one constantly walks the fine line of irony and earnestness. Being popular yet esoteric is extremely difficult, but it’s essential to your social success! First impressions can make or break you in the hierarchy, and the best preparation is to do your homework before attending any exhibition/class/party. Here’s a few suggestions:
- Invent a catchphrase or two and insert them in every sentence until people associate the phrase with you.
- Create an inside joke with yourself and refer to it constantly to keep people guessing.
- Adopt a particular style and ONLY do that. Leave your mark everywhere.
Remember, it’s important to have a grasp on whatever it is you’re “obsessed with.” It doesn’t matter what it is. It could be ham, Russ Meyer films, robots, graffiti, cats, telephone wires, whatever - but you must be able to do the following with your chosen obsession:
- have strong opinions about it
- be able to talk about it at great length in delclarative sentences
- discuss how it affects your art/mindset/daily life
- make condescending remarks to people who “don’t get it.”
- say/do something offensive and justify your actions until you’re arrested
- contradict everything everyone else says just for the hell of it
Since art school is generally pretty laissez-faire about your particular obsession, it’s easy enough to do research about something you like…but be very careful if you’re trying to fit in with an individual or crowd with an obsession about which you know little (usually limited to bands). Another faux pas is to misuse a big vocabulary word. You’ll be outed as a poseur in a New York minute and the humiliation won’t die because artists’ memories are notoriously elephantine.
Example mistake lines:
- “I just LOVE P.J. Harvey. His voice is amazing.”
- “Joy Division? I love those guys! I listen to them when I need something happy to listen to!”
- “Anne Geddes is a creative genius!”
- “I had an insane amount of dead skin on my scalp…it looked like I had halitosis.”
Introduction To Ceramics.
Art School ceramics students primarily learn the craftsmanship of the ancient art of pottery. They will work primarily in the teacup and bowl genre. Ceramics exhibits are usually very minimalist and the artists present these teacups as art, rather than what they really are: vessels that are sometimes fancy. For many, clay tiles are about as abstract as it gets.
Sometimes a renegade ceramics student will shock everyone by taking the medium outside of the realm of utility. They might do one of the following:
- combine porcelain slip with photographic elements
- performance art
- make strange organic forms that serve no function
This is against the rules! Form over function is too…sculptural…for them to feel comfortable. Ceramics professors prefer to keep ceramics and sculpture mutually exclusive. Occasionally they will belittle the sculpture department for its frivolity, and bring everyone back to basics: you’re there to make interesting teapots.
Unlike painting, the artist statement for the ceramics student does not focus on lofty, pretentious name dropping. Instead, ceramists write folksy anecdotes about “drinking tea with their grandmothers” or “choosing a glaze that reminds them of New Mexico sunsets.”
Don’t be fooled by this. Ceramics may appear to be the philosophical antithesis of painting; but upon closer inspection, you will realize that in both fields, the professors’ collective mindsets are identically narrow.
A FIELD GUIDE TO ART STUDENTS: THE CRITIC.
The Critic tears apart everyone’s works in a low mumble, or, if they’re especially bold – during Critique. They’re never satisfied with their own work, and merciless when other people’s work is deemed substandard. Most Critics are found in Painting/Drawing, Photography, and Graphic Design disciplines.
To The Critic’s discerning eye, the worst offenses another artist can commit will generally stick to the following:
- lack of concept
- lack of technical skill
- unoriginality
- obtuse subject matter
- frivolity
Critics possess a dogged work ethic and rabid ambition, and have no desire to make friends in low places. They only latch on to people whom they deem as allies, and/or people who can “get them somewhere.”
Male Critics are often put on a pedestal by adoring fangirls (both fellow students and female professors) for the following reasons:
- declarative sentences
- talent and drive
- Bad Boy sensibility + Nice Boy fashion sense
The Critic is usually an amazing artist, immune to counteraction - do not confuse them with The Chronic Bitcher (often their less-astute friend).
Being The Critic’s friend is a mixed bag: if they’re mumbling their secret criticisms to you and snickering, then you likely won’t fall public victim to their malice on Critique Day…but don’t be surprised if they attack you too, because they don’t care. All that matters to them is good art done correctly, and they’ll never forgive you for not living up to their impossible standards.
For those reasons, the Critic is the most likely out of all your classmates to go on to graduate school to teach in higher education - mostly to continue the pleasure of executing others.
Identifying line: “That looks exactly like they pulled that out of their ass and wiped it on canvas.”
Fine Art Photography 101: Making A Pinhole Camera.
One of the first assignments given to fine art photography students is to construct a pinhole camera, a simple instrument used to take blurry photographs. Some cameras are very simple; others quite elabourate. Popular art class pinhole subjects include:
- nudes outside in some field, industrial site or abandoned colliery
- cemeteries (usually angel statues)
- dead plants
- buildings (usually old ones)
- junkyards (usually rusted trucks)
Photos taken with pinhole cameras earn instant street cred with pretentious professors. Pinhole pictures are then heavily fussed over in the student galleries for being “daringly analogue” and described as “a throwback to the 19th century golden era of photography.”
Fine art photography students smugly speak of their pinhole endeavours in their classes; basking in pride for their “innovative” discoveries, and crowing about how much more “involved in the photographic process” they are.
Digital photography drones are now able to soullessly re-create this “magical” effect with a $100 Lensbaby attachment. Beware of these imposters! It only counts if it’s on film.
When in doubt, you can always cast your ass in something to make a statement!
WHICH ONE EARNED THE BETTER GRADE IN CLASS:
The well-rendered pen and ink portrait?
or…
The one with a bunch of words written on it because the artist couldn’t be fucking bothered to paint an actual face?
ANSWER: Both of these earned a C because the professor said she was only accepting work done in charcoal that day. Both were ridiculed in Critique.
Typical Passive-Aggressive note found in art school.
Quotes From Actual Art Students.
“I don’t think that art can be taught. You can tell the difference between someone with the creativity that can adapt their medium to their vision and those who regardless of medium have no vision to apply it to.” - Anonymous
“I actually go to an Arts Academy. And there are about 50 students. AND SO MUCH DRAMA. I want to vom all over the place. Don’t get me started on the details.” - wycomper
“I go to a very reputable art school in Chicago—and thats just the problem. everyone’s so conceptual they cant get out of their way enough to realize that they’re all being completely stupid. i have never seen a more stuck up bunch of hipsters in my life. I have literally sat through more than one class lecture on “Hipster Culture”. I am being serious. Personally I am more interested in mainstream culture and wanted to study sound design here and someday have a career in the music industry, but somehow “commercial” is a dirty word here, and people can not stop criticizing me for being, well, normal. i hate art school.” - sarahmarra
“I’m involved in the arts, but I’m totally dead against art school unless you’re learning a trade along the way. As for you being ridiculed for being too commercial, I’d say that was a good sign, because someday, you are going to have the last laugh.” - lightpainter
“Studying art in college actually made me want to stop making art at all. Just the nature of the classes and the teachers and students , I just realized that i didn’t want to be associated with that world. That was 2 years ago and I’m just now starting to plan paintings again, it’s nice to do something because i want to and not because some pompous jerk is standing over my shoulder ready to tell me it’s too “loosey goosey”. - arnoldisabstract
Source: Experience Project.
Fine Arts political affiliations, broken down by department.
