“I wasn’t learning anything and could paint on my own at home.” - David Lynch, on why he quit the Philadelphia Academy of Fine Arts.
“I’m like, basing this semester’s work on lyrics that really have deep significance to my life right now. At the moment I’m like totally obsessed with Peter Murphy. He’s so beautiful and dark, and I am like in love with him so much I want to immortalize his genius on canvas in beautiful calligraphy. It’s like he’s my muse or something.”
"In Hedonism's shaft like look
He wears the id the painter mistook
And with her flame he'll burn its flesh
Burn the freeze transcend the mesh"
A FIELD GUIDE TO ART STUDENTS: THE EUROPEAN EXCHANGE STUDENT.
The European Exchange Student is invariably good-looking, charming, and better-educated than Americans. Their work has an edge over yours because the professor notices a “different perspective” and praises their “thinking outside the confinement of American principles.” Ignore this, because there is no sense in competing with them. They’re automatically more sophisticated than everyone, even if they actually are considered hillbillies from whence they came. You might as well just try to date them.
Although all European exchange students rank higher in the art school food chain, there is a hierarchy of adoration depending on the country they hail from.
SOPHISTICATED:
KINDA SOPHISTICATED
IMMEDIATE STATUS SYMBOL
Dating the European Exchange Student is second only to doing a study-abroad. After a few weeks of canoodling, you have effectively earned the right to flaunt a Continental attitude about your work/life; you will be allowed to prattle on about your broader knowledge of geography, and now you can belligerently bitch about “American attitudes about sex.” If you’re dating an Easterner, you may have an “in” for getting authentic black-market absinthe to whip out at parties and pretend you’re tripping like your whacked-out 19th-century heroes. It’s great while it lasts, but the European Exchange Student inevitably go back home.
Strengths:
Weaknesses:
Identifying line: “Vot ees your fascination mit Kardashians?”
Art school people, like hipsters, exist in a realm where one constantly walks the fine line of irony and earnestness. Being popular yet esoteric is extremely difficult, but it’s essential to your social success! First impressions can make or break you in the hierarchy, and the best preparation is to do your homework before attending any exhibition/class/party. Here’s a few suggestions:
Remember, it’s important to have a grasp on whatever it is you’re “obsessed with.” It doesn’t matter what it is. It could be ham, Russ Meyer films, robots, graffiti, cats, telephone wires, whatever - but you must be able to do the following with your chosen obsession:
Since art school is generally pretty laissez-faire about your particular obsession, it’s easy enough to do research about something you like…but be very careful if you’re trying to fit in with an individual or crowd with an obsession about which you know little (usually limited to bands). Another faux pas is to misuse a big vocabulary word. You’ll be outed as a poseur in a New York minute and the humiliation won’t die because artists’ memories are notoriously elephantine.
Example mistake lines:
Art School ceramics students primarily learn the craftsmanship of the ancient art of pottery. They will work primarily in the teacup and bowl genre. Ceramics exhibits are usually very minimalist and the artists present these teacups as art, rather than what they really are: vessels that are sometimes fancy. For many, clay tiles are about as abstract as it gets.
Sometimes a renegade ceramics student will shock everyone by taking the medium outside of the realm of utility. They might do one of the following:
This is against the rules! Form over function is too…sculptural…for them to feel comfortable. Ceramics professors prefer to keep ceramics and sculpture mutually exclusive. Occasionally they will belittle the sculpture department for its frivolity, and bring everyone back to basics: you’re there to make interesting teapots.
Unlike painting, the artist statement for the ceramics student does not focus on lofty, pretentious name dropping. Instead, ceramists write folksy anecdotes about “drinking tea with their grandmothers” or “choosing a glaze that reminds them of New Mexico sunsets.”
Don’t be fooled by this. Ceramics may appear to be the philosophical antithesis of painting; but upon closer inspection, you will realize that in both fields, the professors’ collective mindsets are identically narrow.
A FIELD GUIDE TO ART STUDENTS: THE CRITIC.
The Critic tears apart everyone’s works in a low mumble, or, if they’re especially bold – during Critique. They’re never satisfied with their own work, and merciless when other people’s work is deemed substandard. Most Critics are found in Painting/Drawing, Photography, and Graphic Design disciplines.
To The Critic’s discerning eye, the worst offenses another artist can commit will generally stick to the following:
Critics possess a dogged work ethic and rabid ambition, and have no desire to make friends in low places. They only latch on to people whom they deem as allies, and/or people who can “get them somewhere.”
Male Critics are often put on a pedestal by adoring fangirls (both fellow students and female professors) for the following reasons:
The Critic is usually an amazing artist, immune to counteraction - do not confuse them with The Chronic Bitcher (often their less-astute friend).
Being The Critic’s friend is a mixed bag: if they’re mumbling their secret criticisms to you and snickering, then you likely won’t fall public victim to their malice on Critique Day…but don’t be surprised if they attack you too, because they don’t care. All that matters to them is good art done correctly, and they’ll never forgive you for not living up to their impossible standards.
For those reasons, the Critic is the most likely out of all your classmates to go on to graduate school to teach in higher education - mostly to continue the pleasure of executing others.
Identifying line: “That looks exactly like they pulled that out of their ass and wiped it on canvas.”
KNOW YOUR PAINTING PROFESSOR: THE BOHEMIAN
Usually chooses “abstract expressionism” as their primary medium.
Prefers wearing
The bohemian tends to work exclusively in abstract expressionism, because realism hinders an artist’s unbridled creativity. She often utilizes unorthodox materials such as:
She’s often covered in filth of some sort. You want to avoid hugs and contact with her hair. Occasionally she will bring in her pet (large dog; ferret). She encourages music in the classroom, but beware: it’s usually “world music” or Indigo Girls.
STRENGTHS:
WEAKNESSES:
Identifying line: “The triangle is a metaphor for the womb and the vagina.”
One of the first assignments given to fine art photography students is to construct a pinhole camera, a simple instrument used to take blurry photographs. Some cameras are very simple; others quite elabourate. Popular art class pinhole subjects include:
Photos taken with pinhole cameras earn instant street cred with pretentious professors. Pinhole pictures are then heavily fussed over in the student galleries for being “daringly analogue” and described as “a throwback to the 19th century golden era of photography.”
Fine art photography students smugly speak of their pinhole endeavours in their classes; basking in pride for their “innovative” discoveries, and crowing about how much more “involved in the photographic process” they are.
Digital photography drones are now able to soullessly re-create this “magical” effect with a $100 Lensbaby attachment. Beware of these imposters! It only counts if it’s on film.
When in doubt, you can always cast your ass in something to make a statement!
PLACES TO HOOK UP: THE STUDENT COMMONS:
Although artists are notorious for succumbing to passion quite quickly, remember that your school’s common area is the first place people will find you. This only works for exhibitionists and people turned on by the smell of microwave popcorn.
Though the sofa is the most obvious place for a quickie, please keep in mind that the following items are lurking under the couch cushions this very minute:
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If you are at an art school within a large university, you have an uphill battle to fight. You likely have poor funding, and are the object of much ridicule from more “serious” schools of thought or vocation. Engineers love to jeer at art students, saying they’ll never get real jobs. (They’re mostly right.) English majors are sympathetic to artistic temperaments, but are smug in their writing skills (lacking in most visual arts students). Math majors would rather be left alone. Business majors wonder why art kids are so unprofessional and seemingly anarchistic.
There’s no better way to reinforce these stereotypes than by acting like an idiot when newspaper reporters come around to stir up “controversy.”
Circumstances change, but these controversies always encompass the same principles.
Usually what happens is, some ornery instigator decides to call attention to something that pisses them off. It’s always one of the following:
If they garner enough attention, it usually results a dry, boring article depicting the art department in a neutral light. Most people skip through those articles anyway. This, of course, insults the art department. No one can understand why the newspaper won’t “write about anything controversial for once” and they will complain about the injustice in class. The professor will support the students who “shook things up” and encourage them to fight the power.
Typical Passive-Aggressive note found in art school.